Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? Youre absolutely right. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. It peaked my suspicion enough that I went to the cell store and asked for as far back as they could go with detailed logs. Now? He leaves for work and I just immediately feel like okay, heres another day to get through. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. You dont cheat. You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. He said now he know i wasnt love. We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. and I think he knows that. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. And that started the beginning of him changing. Seriously crazy stuff. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. You have told him he needs to move out. Less than one month later he wanted a D (yet again!?). By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. The longer the fog goes on, the more damage that is done to the marriage. TheFirstWife But right now it may be too difficult to manage all these decisions. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. No texts or calls or emails or contact from you. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. I did everything to make his life easy. Perhaps when the party girl realizes she is going to be married to someone who in essence will be financially strapped the rest of his life, she may decide hes not all that! You have tried everything you could. At the same time I had a child involved in an emotionally abusive relationship (bf/gf). I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. It is powerful. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. We were only talkingnothing else! I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. There are people like that. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. Once they truly hit bottom, I cant wrap my head around it all still. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. I dont know. Its a fantasy that the cheater believes is real. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. I was very calm and rational. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. of course not. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. She said she want 6 months.She also tells me how much happier she is with out me. He texted me last night when he was going to bed, and of course in my mind im still wondering if he is where he says he is, but im not asking questions. Thank you for your advice Doug. I would know more and more certainly if I had only investigated first, instead of trusting her. His behavior is unacceptable!!! When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. Let him start to see you are taking your power back. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. Some days feel good, and some days feel like absolute torture, and I dont know if its in my head and I make it worse by getting in a weird mood, or what. I do know these things. He came to me that he has symptoms of Chlamydia and implied that I gave it to him but I checked myself and I dont have it. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. Its been very strange. Now? The typical phrases I hear are Where has the man I married gone to? This is not the man I married What could she possibly be thinking? Its like shes a completely differentperson. And I think there is a reason things have changed so suddenly. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. Ive had a very weird week. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. Before the A I would have backed down in The first 5 minutes. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. It can be turned around. That is where I was st DDay2. I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). Something my sister used to do when she worked in HS in a bakery. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. I said to him that I just do not want to be disrespected anymore. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. I told him I had nothing left to give him. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. I went in my own for years. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. You are tired of living in limbo. Not open to discussion. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. He is in the babys life. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will come stay here or what. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. I dont even know why I started it. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. By that I mean they still want to go out and hang out etc. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. I loved him but I could no longer live with his infidelity (having been told in one day that he wanted a D, didnt want a D and wanted to be with me while dumping the OW and trying to cover it all up so I would have no idea). (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. You are stronger than you think. And then I was calling the shots. Still in the same bed. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. I am so afraid he will feel his life is better without me in it somehow..I dont know HOW WE GOT HERE. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. He admitted it and a few weeks later he ended it with her. Get him to do it and dont answer any questions about where youre going. I just know the longer we go on like this, the more we are forgetting who eachother really is. Its so weird. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. I know down the road he would regret it. In 25 years of M the D words was never used. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. Of course he could be lying to me. I know it does. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. I hope all is well!!! Which I get bc I feel the same way. My husband had an EA with a work partner. Im SO terrified of getting the next text that says we need to file for divorce. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. I really hope I have done whats right. Their spouses are acting strangely to say the least. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. Cannot last. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. 2. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. I am not stopping you. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. But yet he refused to leave. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! He is being selfish. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. But wait already did. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. He sent a text this morning just asking when the baby woke up. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. I acted pretty blah to him today. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. Its a long process to full reconciliation. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. Someone who would literally do ANYTHING for me. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. I hope he comes to his senses. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. What a big mess. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. No craziness. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. I feel like I am beginning to hate him, so I am SURE he is continuing to see me negatively. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. That began a stage of life where she underwent 40 hours of therapy a week with strangers practically living in our home to work with her. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. You are not stopping him from being a cheater/drinker/party boy. Nothing worked or changed him. I dont know..well see how it goes. I hope you can gain some perspective. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. Im not playing. He told me he didnt want that, and that he wanted to stay with me and our daughter. It kills me every, single, day. Hi Doug I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. I am moving on and focusing on my self. Because our relationship was failing. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. !1 Its so good to hear from you!! Quite often the reasons exploredfor this unusual and often moody, hurtful behavior run the gamut from depression to midlife crisis to temporary insanity. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. Yup Yup and Yup. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. Even if its just her and I and he isnt here, I want to do what I want to do, and not constantly feel pressure to be busy and be out of the house just to make him wonder. I told him he had to leave. My situation is a little bit different because my CS started the affair as an online thing, she is a long distance romance, he went to see her for 2 weeks where she lives, after what seems as maybe 6 months of knowing her via social media, they apparently got engaged, at least thats what she declared on her social media, and while he is still married to me. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. I fought for our marriage with dignity and respect and with my head held high. I deserve so much more than this. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. It hurt my hand. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. Desesperate But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. He took advantage one time too many. How do you get past that? Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. But im kind of in the same boat right now. This is not my Hs first EA and this one became a PA. I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. He was still cheating. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. The First Wife And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. HORRIBLE. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. Exactly. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. And he is so happy to still be part of this family he doesnt care or complain. No yelling. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. And there was nothing I could do. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. He cannot believe he even said that to me. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. You take a step back. Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. Sunday mornings there were long lines. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. I think its also the type of people he befriends. You come first. She was 40 my husband 58. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. I kept my sanity and wits and made good decisions. Your advice is great and its so right. WebIt was devastating news to say the least.

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